I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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