im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
