made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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