I'm gonna have a badass scar
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
