OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
