My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
