i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
