I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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