On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
