1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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