he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
