my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
