Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
