the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
