A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This baby is an asshole
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
