Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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