So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She bit a glass in half.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
