The best revenge is premature balding
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
