Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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