My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
