i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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