i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
