i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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