I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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