Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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