Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
