i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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