i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I've blown a few things in my day
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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