have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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