i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
