dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
