A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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