Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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