why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
