Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
