pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
