so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
