Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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