is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
