Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
