I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
