This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
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The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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