Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
