im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
