So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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