You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
