Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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