At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
