May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
