Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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