What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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