She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You made out with two different species that night
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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