When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
