I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
