Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
