I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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