I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
