I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
