meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
